funny quotes that make you smile

Chocolate is an antidepressant, which is especially useful as you start to gain weight. ~Jason Love



I make the most of all that comes and the least of all that goes. ~Sara Teasdale, "The Philosopher"



Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. ~Author Unknown



By avarice and selfishness, and a groveling habit, from which none of us is free, of regarding the soil as property, or the means of acquiring property chiefly, the landscape is deformed, husbandry is degraded with us, and the farmer leads the meanest of lives. He knows Nature but as a robber. ~Henry David Thoreau



No woman wants an abortion as she wants an ice cream cone or a Porsche. She wants an abortion as an animal caught in a trap wants to gnaw off its own leg. ~Frederica Mathewes-Green



Forget about calories - everything makes thin people thinner, and fat people fatter. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966



I'm retired - goodbye tension, hello pension! ~Author Unknown



It's no coincidence that female interest in the sport of baseball has increased greatly since the ballplayers swapped those wonderful old-time baggy flannel uniforms for leotards. ~Mike Royko



I don't like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves. ~Joe Louis



Sex got me into trouble from the age of fifteen: I'm hoping that by the time I'm seventy I'll straighten it out. ~Harold Robbins



Faith and doubt both are needed - not as antagonists, but working side by side to take us around the unknown curve. ~Lillian Smith



Investors have very short memories. ~Roman Abramovich



And thou shalt take no gift: for the gift blindeth the wise, and perverteth the words of the righteous. ~Exodus 23:8



The past actually happened but history is only what someone wrote down. ~A. Whitney Brown, The Big Picture



A weed is but an unloved flower. ~Ella Wheeler Wilcox



O! for a horse with wings! ~William Shakespeare, Cymbeline



Man - despite his artistic pretensions, his sophistication, and his many accomplishments - owes his existence to a six inch layer of topsoil and the fact that it rains. ~Author Unknown



I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it.... People think pleasing God is all God care about. But any fool living in the world can see it always trying to please us back. ~Alice Walker, The Color Purple, 1982



I have accepted fear as a part of life - specifically the fear of change.... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back. ~Erica Jong



If a little knowledge is dangerous, where is the man who has so much as to be out of danger? ~Thomas Henry Huxley